Hello? Mrs. Hognower?


Credit cards… making life easier until they make life more difficult. Over the past two years, our main credit card has been compromised at least four times. Most were from the major security breaks that made the news, some were from unknown origin. We now get texts, e mails and phone calls when the credit card company sees something suspicious. Monday morning I awoke to an e mail alert with four charges listed as questionable. They are listed like this: “Walmart store #4345,” which doesn’t really help at all as I have not yet memorized Walmart’s store numbers. I called the number on the back of my card, and spent fifteen minutes listening to bad porn music interspersed with reassurance that my call was important! Finally a real human answers, I am thanked for my patience (odd, because I have none), I am vetted, then transferred to a fraud supervisor, aka someone in India. I was vetted again, then this:

“Mrs. Hoganower? Yes, there seems to be a beel pleeman with your curd, and we need to jeezk the chinges to see if they are indeed laud or simcan orly.”

“I’m sorry?”

“Oh, yes Miss Hagenower, I see there are some chergez that sskamijalla onncie, is that correct?”

“Um, okay. Can we go over the charges? Where are these stores located?”

“Okay, Mrs. Hogner, did you purchase at a Walmart on the 18th?”

“No, I didn’t, but my sons have access, also, so I need to know where the store is located.”

“Okay, Miss Hogny, the first charge is from Osneer.”

“I’m sorry, I can’t understand what you are saying.”

“Yes, Miss Hogenow, the first charge is in OsneerD, Callyifornia, the next is an Olive Carton in Seemee.”

“Okay, those are fraud as no one is in California. Also for future reference, if there is ever a charge to Olive Garden on my card, it’s definitely fraud.”


“Okay, Miss Hagneer, the next charge is also in Osneer, at a gas station, is that yours?”

“Um, no, no charges are in California. No one in my family is in California.”

“Yes, thank you Miss Hoggynewer. The last charge is a five below in Osneer, is that your charge?”

“Okay, no one in my family is in Osneer, er, Oxnard. You keep naming cities in California. If it is a charge in California, it is not mine.”

“Okay, Mrs. Hangover, thank you. Your new cards will be jipped by news for sidjallakee, and you should reneece them in john to been dees. We are sorry for the ass yomray.”

“I am sorry for the ass yomray, too. This is the fourth time this has happened. Are my new cards going to be chipped for better fraud protection?”

“Oh, yes, Mrs. Heegener, we will chip them to you right away. In the meantime, thank you for juice of seebyband, we appreciate your blindcheeno yanna.”

“Well, you are welcome. I am very careful with my blindcheeno and my yanna, so I hope this doesn’t happen again anytime soon. It’s a pain to redo all the automatic payments.”

“Yes, Mrs. Hoogwaser, we understand. We are very sorry about any inconbeanyance and lowchem. Please have a nice day and return to Jeebawa.”

“Will do!”

Yes, I am a bit hard of hearing, and yes I do know that most U.S. citizens barely speak one language, let alone two. I myself used to be fluent in both English and Spanish. I have retained most of the English, but my Spanish has devolved into Spanglish, early grade school Spanglish. I do resent, however, that a substantial amount of U.S. companies have outsourced so many jobs to India, and I do get frustrated with communication issues. In fairness, if the call center was located in deep Alabama, I might have communication issues with employees at that center as well, but at least the jobs would be here in the U.S.

Monday afternoon my husband received a text message about the same charges. We didn’t call back, we were having too much fun with my blindcheeno and yanna in Jeebawa.


About cherichat

No better way to get to know me than by reading my blog. It is much more the truth than you would see in person.
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One Response to Hello? Mrs. Hognower?

  1. Robin Gilbert says:

    OMG!!!!!! This is hysterical! Adam had the same kind of India problem on Sunday trying to deal with the Macy’s call center! A few months ago they sent me a new Macy’s card combo with Amex. I personally do not like Amex due to some really stupid and rude treatment from them several years ago…..so, I cut the card up. There was no info with it so I did not realize it was my new card, plus they have been taking my old card, no problems. Adam was trying to pay them on line and did not have some info off the new card, called the call center and it just got ridiculous from there! They start out telling you their name is “John Logan”, or “Julie”….. They can barely pronounce those names!
    They kept thanking him for his patience which of course, makes him really impatient and he tells them don’t put me on hold and I am not being patient so stop thanking me! They can’t deal with anything off their script, provide you with a supervisor or answer questions! Whoever started this whole thing, establishing these call centers, writing scripts for them and giving them western names to use……ought to be shot!
    He was on the phone with them for 35 minutes before hanging up. We went to the store and they fixed the problem in less then two minutes……..
    Everyone standing around the counter had a story about their fun experiences with their blindcheeno and yanna in Jebawa!!!!!!

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